neorants

I’ve begrudgingly accepted HTML mail as a necessary evil at times. However, at my job, I have been somehow selected to receive the honor of handling the “webmaster” e-mail account. For some reason, someone at some point in the past decided that this address should be managed by the App Development department, despite the fact that the typical type of e-mail received at webmaster is either “link our site from yours for big profit$$$$$$$$$!!!!!!” spam or Customer Service type stuff. It is here that I’ve been introduced to the horrors of IncrediMail.

This atrocious piece of software tacks a 552×112 pixel animated GIF on the end of every mail you send, recommending: “Free animations for your email - by IncrediMail!” (excitement theirs). To the right of this text is a button labeled “click here” despite the entire image being a link, and to the right of this, an animated cartoon elephant, continually raising and lowering his trunk, mouth agape in a ridiculous smile that is simultaneously asinine and elephantine, never wavering despite the endlessness of his task.

Oh, also, his tail appears to be prehensile. I’m no biologist, but I’m pretty certain that elephants don’t have anything more than flyswatter tails.

Anyway, enough about this annoying advertisement tacked to every e-mail. You should really visit their site to truly appreciate the kind of “class” they can add to your e-mails. Spoiler: about the same kind that a pink flamingo in front of your house can add to your landscaping.

The tagline on their web site claims: “Email has Finally Evolved.” If this is the next stage of e-mail evolution, I will gladly remain a single-celled organism. I can’t imagine why someone at this company thought “hey, you know, the capacity of HTML e-mail to convey additional information is great, but what we really need to do is find a way to bring all the awesomeness of animated GIFs (and maybe the <blink> tag while we’re at it — think BIG!) to e-mails.”

What’s next, e-mails that are entirely composed of flash animations and feature a 2 minute long introduction complete with theme music before the text is displayed?