neorants

I was sitting around last night waiting the requisite 30 minutes for the miraculous whitening power of my Crest Whitestrips to kick in, and I couldn’t help but think of how much effort (read: misdirection) they expend to convince you these things are convenient.

On the TV commercials for Whitestrips, they tell you they’re “virtually invisible.” These things are not invisible in any sense of the word, virtually or otherwise. Yes, they’re transparent, but they have this series of tiny bubbles all along their surface. So, rather than the perfectly natural-looking smile you see on TV, you end up looking like someone who just received their brand new “whiter smile” from the FedEx man, and forgot to take the teeth out of their bubble wrap.

They also make a big point of just how comfortable they are. They are comfortable enough, until you try to talk while wearing them. See, the surface of a whitestrip is not quite as slick as that of a tooth, causing your lips to feel unnatural when they rub against the front of your teeth. The end result is that you end up with an instant speech impediment. The first time I used them, I was trying to talk to my fianceé when she came over, and after hearing my attempts at forming words she finally said “OK, let’s not try to talk.” Apparently, this impediment can be overcome, as I was talking to her last night on the phone with them in and she told me I sounded completely normal, though I still didn’t think so.

The kind folks at Crest continue to distort your sense of reality once you get your Whitestrips home and open the box. There’s this little booklet inside showing a bunch of happy people, all telling you how they use their whitestrips, and just how easy to use they are. You know, just in case you’ve forgotten that they’re CONVENIENT. Or in case you’re too dumb to come up with any ideas on just when you might use them yourself. So anyway, the one that really struck me was the woman stating that she does her grocery shopping and runs errands while she’s using them. As if you would actually want to expose yourself to other human beings, at least those who don’t know you well enough to laugh in your face, wearing these things. I can see my grocery shopping trip now:

Cashier: Will that be cash, check, or charge?

Me: Chfff… Mmmff…

Cashier: Oh, sorry, I didn’t know you had your tongue gnawed off by weasels. By the way, I think you forgot to unpack your teeth.

Me: Mmff… Fffanchew.

Anyway, I have to admit, these things work. Just plan on a few moments of solitude while you use them, no matter how much they try to convince you otherwise.