neorants

Recently, I have been feeling pretty down on my situation and myself. You probably figured that out in yesterday’s entry — no news there. But I’m not feeling that way now. Ever have one of those times when things play out so amazingly, so unexplainably right, that you can clearly see God working and wonder how you ever doubted He was in control? Well, I did last night.

Really, it started earlier in the day, when my friend mentioned I should take a vacation. Once I came to the realization that I actually could if I needed it, a lot of the pressure I was feeling seemed to subside. However, things really got interesting that night. I attend a bible study at my church on Tuesdays where, after an initial time together, small, non-coed groups split off to further discuss what’s on their minds or what was presented in the earlier portion of the night.

That night in my small group I met two new people, one who was new to the group, and another whom I hadn’t met yet, though he’d been coming for a little while (the holidays really screwed up my normal routine, and I’m just now getting back into the swing of things). Let’s just say, without divulging their personal issues, that they made me ashamed of myself. Both of them are dealing with issues much harder than my own right now. They helped me put things in perspective in a big way. I would tell them, so they could know what a profound effect they had on me, but I’m afraid something to the effect of “and I thought I had it bad” might not be precisely the words of consolation they could use at the moment. In any case, that was miracle number 1 for the night.

Miracle number 2 came once I got home. I called my fiancée (I love that I can call her that now :)) just to catch up on the day’s happenings with her, and she was in the middle of finishing up a mail about me to a good friend of hers who was asking tons of questions. She was kind enough to send it my way, and it was filled with all sorts of wonderful thoughts she had of me. I can’t thank her enough for sending it — it was just what I needed at the time. There was, however, one tiny piece of it which disturbed me. It referred to something that happened in a past relationship of mine. I have always considered that relationship a mistake. Without going into detail, I had screwed up with this girl and let myself get into a situation I shouldn’t have been in. There were majorly extenuating circumstances, but still, that’s no excuse — I assume responsibility for the way it went, and it has always haunted me up until this day.

Now, in typical Neo fashion, I brooded on this for a while. It was a tiny part of a mail that was otherwise filled with things that made me want to burst with joy — why was I letting it bother me so much? I wrote a lengthy mail to her in response, thanking her for both the kind words, and for the honesty she showed me in not editing out the bit that stung, but stating that I was upset that she had mentioned my only secret to her friend without her friend having even asked her about it. In short, I overanalyzed, big time. I realized this as I reread it, and ended up saving the message as a draft, to look at in the morning after having prayed about it.

Anyway, as I laid down and was about to say a prayer before going to sleep, I started to feel convicted. In the draft of the mail I had mentioned how I had shared this screw-up with very few people. Well, I had never even told my parents. I felt that I needed to tell them about it now — I wasn’t sure why. It was 11:30, I knew they’d probably be in bed, but I called them anyway. I explained that I felt I needed to get something off my chest and I told my mom all about it. Afterwards, she said “Well, I wasn’t going to tell you this before, I didn’t want to stress you out about it, but I’m going to now.”

She then goes on to explain how a few weeks before Christmas, this girl’s mom had walked into the place where my mom worked, straight back to her office, and proceeded to tell her to have a merry Christmas and to wish me the same. She went on to say that she was back in church (something I always wanted to see happen and made mention of on several occasions), that her daughter was doing well, and that they all cared for me very much and that God had brought me into their lives for a reason. She didn’t elaborate, but there was one thing that came to mind besides the being a witness to her mom part, and that was this: A huge part of the reason I stayed in that bad situation for so long was that I had this crazy idea I might be able to rescue this girl from her situation. She had a mental illness and her parents behaved in an extremely overprotective manner, which didn’t aid her in her path to wellness — on this, her psychiatrist and I were in agreement, it seems.

On one occasion, not long before I broke up with her, I sat down with her mom, and explained that I believed that a huge portion of this girl’s problems were because of her need to exert overbearing control on her 20-year-old daughter and that I didn’t see her getting better until she released her grip. A short time later her father entered the room and threatened to pin me against the wall if I ever spoke to his wife that way again.

Looking back on it all and reflecting on what she said to my mom, I now realize that the reason God kept me in that relationship despite the fact that it wasn’t healthy for me was twofold. First, it helped prepare me to be the the best man I can be for the one He did intend for me (namely gooselady :)). There were times in this other relationship that I had to behave like a parent to her, and times when she would call me in the middle of an episode after I was already in bed, when I would need to get up, explain to my parents I needed to go see her, and drive as fast as I could to her place to do nothing more than calm her mind and hold her hand until she fell asleep. I learned that I am capable of self-sacrifice I would have never thought possible, and I’m now more prepared than ever to take on any needs my future wife might have of me, and to appreciate how wonderful she really is, having seen the opposite end of the spectrum. Second (and this is the one that I only just realized last night thanks to Him) I stayed because I was able to disrupt the harmful pattern that their household had settled into. All this time I figured I had made all those sacrifices for nothing, and that it was a futile, self-destructive effort to try to save this girl from her situation. Then, through this, He showed me it wasn’t futile at all.

As I’m coming to this realization and telling my mom how amazing this is, I get a call-waiting beep. It turns out my fiancée couldn’t sleep and wants to talk to me. I excuse myself with my mom, knowing that I’m in the middle of a miracle at this point. Somehow, it’s so much more special when you realize what’s happening as it’s happening. I take that call and quickly explain everything that has just transpired to her, and she explains why she said what she said. Several things she said, I had already typed up answers for an hour before, in the draft I saved, so I was able to read aloud certain parts of that mail in which I had crystallized my thoughts, verbatim, in response to her. The exchange was over quickly, I had no issues at that point, because I knew why it had all happened the way it did. Besides, I had entirely misinterpreted the statement, though it was just the interpretation I needed at the time to make this all play out the way it did. We talked for about an hour about wedding plans and past friendships until we were both exhausted, and said our good nights and I-love-yous. I prayed before I dozed off, thanking God for what happened that night and for this wonderful woman He has brought into my life.

I never sent the e-mail. It was never intended for sending, I’d found out — just for nudging me in the right direction. Like I said before: God is awesome.